When Someone Refuses to Change

I am about to address a delicate subject…unhealthy relationships. This topic can be very sensitive and difficult to discuss but I feel that this is an area that is a struggle for many. I know that a number of people have dealt with the topic and I also know there are some that are currently in the midst of this very situation. My purpose in addressing these difficult relationships is two-fold. First I want you to know that you are not the only one who has ever been taken advantage of by another individual. Secondly I pray that these words will open your eyes to see the situation for what it is and to find the grace to let go of things you cannot change.

If this is not a topic that directly affects your life you are graciously excused from reading any further. But if you have stumbled on this post and you are in a relationship that is in a downward spiral then please read on. I hope that in doing so you will find the freedom you deserve to live life as you were meant to…with peace and joy and not with the misplaced guilt that someone is wrongly putting on you.

There is a fine line between helping someone who wants to improve their life and enabling someone to live a crippling lifestyle because they refuse to change. 

The fact is that some people will never make changes that need to be made.

No matter how much you try to help them…

No matter how much you encourage them…

No matter how much you do for them…

No matter how much you sincerely want to see them improve…

No matter how much you challenge them…

And sometimes it may even feel like nothing is changing even in the midst of your prayers for them. You need to know that a person’s refusal to change is not your fault.

Some people will not change because they do not have the desire to change and you have to know when it is time to let go of a relationship that is no longer healthy. You have to come to a place where you know you have done all you can and you  have to release this person because you cannot force him or her to ask for help. You can throw a life ring to a drowning person but you cannot make that person grab hold of it. 

If you have ever grown tomatoes you are familiar with the tiny shoots of vegetation that pop up on the plant’s vines. These little shoots are called suckers. They serve little purpose except to TAKE valuable nutrients from the plant. Suckers do not branch off to be productive nor bear tomatoes. Suckers are takers and need to be pinched off and removed from a tomato plant in order for the plant to grow properly.

This analogy is sadly true of people who are takers. No, I am not saying that these individuals should be “discarded.” They are human beings with value but their lifestyle and choices make them very difficult to live with and will drain you of your peace, energy and even your resources if they are allowed to take freely. If you or someone you know have ever been involved with such a person, you will find the following statements to resonate truth.

Takers dwell in a pit of self pity. They regularly complain about their situation however they really have no desire to leave this type of existence because that would require change. Change requires taking the harder rather than the easier road. Change also means delayed gratification rather than immediate satisfaction.

Takers use means of  manipulation to influence people. They will play people against one another until they find someone to take their side. Sadly, deception becomes such a way of life for these individuals that eventually they lose sight of what is truth and what is not. The tragic outcome in being involved with a taker is that there is a real danger that the healthy relationships in your life will be compromised or damaged. I need to make a statement here that is important. Often there will be one or more people outside of a situation between a taker and the one being taken advantage of. These outsiders see clearly what is happening and will try to lovingly speak truth to the person who is being used. Unfortunately this person will see this as an attack on their judgement and ability to deal with the taker. This often results in misplaced feelings between the outsider and the person who is being used by a taker and what was once a healthy and valued friendship becomes damaged. Taker want to isolate the person being used and keep them from other healthy relationships. A taker often feels threatened by outsiders who may bring exposure of their motives.

Takers live in a very small “me” world where their sole focus is only one person—themselves! These people will drain ever ounce of energy from you as they seek to get their way with as little effort on their part to get it.  Takers refuse to assume responsibility for their mistakes and always have an excuse for their crippling choices.  A taker owns a “victim” mindset and lives a life of blaming others for the way things have turned out for them. They rarely look inward to see that they are a part of the problem but rather look outward to see who they can blame for every bad decision or bad choice they make. Takers choose to dwell on the past and usually carry with them a burden of unforgiveness towards others.

Some of you reading this right now are in a no win situation because of an individual that you cannot “fix.” I have been in your shoes in the past so I understand your turmoil.  The situation became so difficult that it was necessary to put distance between myself and this person.  My desire is to believe the best of and for people. Sadly, however, some people  will never want the best for themselves and you cannot put your want into them.

I understand that your decision to release such a person from your life may be a hard call. It is a tough love choice because sometimes love demands that you remove a person from your life altogether before you are both destroyed. You cannot sacrifice your peace of mind for someone who wants to live a life of chaos. Again, please do not misinterpret what I am trying to say. There is a time and place for each of us to help someone who is struggling or is in hard place. I believe we have a human obligation to show compassion for those less fortunate and to bless others in whatever way we are able. But dear reader, you are not called to be the crutch to someone who refuses to take one step to do something to improve their own life. In a situation such as the one I have described, you are not HELPING this individual as much as you are ENABLING them to stay as they are!

Removing a taker from you life does not mean you hate that person. It means you care enough about that person and yourself to stop crippling both of you!

I know as some of you read this, a certain person’s face has come to your mind. You are in turmoil over this person and this relationship. You have experienced a far too long roller coaster of emotions in trying to figure out how to “help” him or her. Nothing is changing except your own well being. The more you give the more they want. This person is dragging you down and you feel an engulfing heaviness whenever you have any type of contact with them. Maybe there is even a part of you that is intimidated by this person’s possible reactions if you try to remove yourself from their life. My friend, this is not love and it is not healthy! It is manipulation and you were made for more than that type of living.

Now for the good news. There is hope! It really can be ok. Things can get better but first you have to be willing to face the truth and let go of what you cannot change. If you know that you have done ALL you humanly can do, then pray and ask God to give you the strength to finally LET THIS PERSON GO…for their good and for yours. Once you let them go you may find it is easier to pray for this person and that really is the best thing you can do for this person from then on. Put them in God’s hands and leave them there. He is the only One who can change a person from the inside out.

If your heart has been wounded and your emotions are raw, you need to ask God to help you forgive this person for all the pain, stress, anger and hurt he or she has caused you as well as others. Forgiving someone who has offended you does not make the offender right. It just means that you refuse to be trapped by bitter feelings which are like a prison. Forgiving someone who has offended you, opens the door for God to heal your heart and to work in the life of your offender. Holding onto anger and offense is like you drinking poison and waiting for another person to suffer the effects of that poison. It is a deadly trap. Don’t allow yourself to fall into it!

Finally, move on! Life is too short and too precious to beat yourself up by continuing to look back thinking you did not do enough. Learn from the painful experience but move on with the peace of knowing you did all, and probably more, than you should have for this person. You were never designed to be another person’s savior but only to point them to The Savior. Whether they choose to walk the path to wholeness that God provides is a choice that each person makes for themselves.

Remember…you did your best. Now let God do the rest!

Note: This blog post was written by Rosie Williams and first appeared on Nuggets from the Heart. This blog post, either in part or in its entirety, may not be copied, duplicated, edited or appear in any other publication without the written approval or permission from the author. For full copyright and disclosure information, click here. For questions regarding the use of this blog post, you may send an email to Rosie Williams by clicking here.